I, the Dark Lord Sauron, Must Regrettably Lay Off Twelve Percent of You Hardworking Orcs

Hey, team. Glad you could all jump on this Zoom call. I know we’re busy prepping for the Q2 invasion of Osgiliath, so I’ll keep this short.

Snaga, are we recording? Okay, great.

As you all know, our organization has been impacted by the steep tariffs imposed by our enemy, Gondor, on various grains and foodstuffs, as well as by the growing strength of the so-called Free Peoples of Middle-earth. May their bodies rot in the mud, am I right? Another complicating factor has been the finding and losing of the One Ring by the hated Stoor formerly known as Sméagol, who is at this very moment being violently tortured for further information in our dungeons (new torture schedule TBA soon—check your Smartsheet reports!).

As a result, in order for us to achieve our growth goals for fiscal year TA 3017, it has become necessary to initiate a small reduction in force. A very minor trimming of the fat, if you will, like when Ufthak dexterously butchered that wild oliphaunt at last year’s holiday party (I still have leftovers in my tower!). About 12% of our total organization will be affected. A number of employees will receive an email by EOD today providing notice that their roles will end as of Friday. If that’s you, please be sure to return any company assets and equipment (scimitars, helmets, poison-tipped arrows) ASAP. Shipping labels will be provided by the Armory Services team; please shoot an email to Grishnákh if you haven’t received your shipping label by Friday.

Each impacted orc will receive a generous severance package (a satchel containing a big axe that you can use to sever the heads of Men and Elves from their bodies), as well as a one-time COBRA payment (a large venomous snake that you can train to bite you if you ever get sick, killing you instantly and obviating the need to pay those pesky medical bills).

Now, I know what you might be thinking: “But Lord Sauron, why would you shrink your army and support staff right before our big planned invasions in Q2 and Q3? If anything, shouldn’t we be increasing our forces to combat the Gondorian threat?”

Great question, team. But remember, my Eye is all-seeing. After long deliberation with our board and the Nazgûl C-suite, I have decided it’s simply more cost-effective to outsource a portion of our forces to external vendors and contractors, such as the Haradrim and Easterlings. For they are Men—an odious race, yes, but we can pay them freelance rates without benefits, which will position our organization on a more secure financial footing in the future.

We’re also looking into streamlining our operational efficiency via a variety of exciting new technologies, including troll-powered siege towers, really huge catapults that launch both flaming missiles and decapitated heads, etc. Our partner org, Saruman Industries, is even showing promising results in genetic modification. They’re working on a new race of orcs known as Uruk-hai, who I’m told have a greater meat-to-energy ratio and can’t reproduce. Which isn’t to say I don’t love seeing all your adorable orclings at our company picnics on the crimson slopes of Orodruin! Love those little guys. But they sure do eat up a lot of our food stores. I wish them each a long and healthy life… elsewhere.

Folks, this was not a decision we made lightly. Many of you have done extraordinary work painting the plains red with Elf-blood, and I for one will be eternally grateful for your thoughtful and creative contributions to terrorizing and slaying the Free Peoples of Middle-earth. I’m confident that this reallocation of resources in a not-you direction will position us to more nimbly achieve our dark mission in the future.

If you have questions about the exciting future of our org, contact your respective HR rep: either Muzgash for the Plateau of Gorgoroth teams, Shagrat for the folks manning the Black Gate, or Gorbag for the Morgul-orcs.

Thanks, guys. That’s all. Snaga will post the recording on Slack as soon as it’s ready, or else I will personally disembowel him.

Sauron out.